Lillian's 1st Letter to Dr. Cecil Walker

Dearest, Loveliest, Sweetest Cecil,

As I write this, I am blushing furiously and grinning like a maniac. You are lovely, and that is all I have to say about that.

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned mania. Of course, I’ve never exhibited the symptoms of mania, but nevertheless it was a poor choice of words. Perhaps I should be punished for that. Or, if you thought I were likely to have a manic episode, you might have to restrain me, for my own safety of course.

I can see why it’s not a good idea to have relations with one’s mental health care professionals. It is very distracting. Then again, writing you letters to keep you up to date on my mental status isn’t anything like a proper sort of therapy, so I can’t see that it matters. Not that that will stop you from protesting, and not that your protests will stop me from writing. If you want to shut me up, well, you apparently possess certain techniques that can render me incapable of coherent thought or speech, which I’m sure you didn’t learn in medical school, not since they stopped treating us for hysteria, more’s the pity.

So, my current mental status:

I’ve recently come to realize that people who have experienced certain sorts of trauma begin to see the world as a surreal place, full of wonder and madness and death. Not to put to fine a point on it, but I think the way they now see the world is not so very different than how I have always seen it. I’ve experienced some traumatic events recently, and they have had predictably unpleasant results. I am still dealing with the aftermath. But I was not forced to reconfigure my fundamental way of being in the world to do so. This has led to my current coping strategy.

I’m employing certain delusions about being a destined warrior, chosen of Kali, Hindu goddess of death and destruction. “Born to darkness, she lives her life in the shadow, keeping us safe from all that dwells there. Chosen of The Endbringer, she is chooser of the slain, able to remove from our world those who are destined to die, and to end that which never should have been. She dances through her dark work without fear, sorrow, anger, hate, or joy.” I know that this is a very exotic and bizarre sort of self conception, but it really is helping me maintain a stable mental state, and I believe it is a healthy coping mechanism, all things considered. I believe that I am fully aware of the extent of the delusion, which provides a measure of control.

Of course all references to death are purely metaphorical, referring in this case to the fact that I am in the process of surrendering certain possible futures for the sake of others, and that I am mourning the death of these possible life paths. This a process we all go through as we become adults, though I know my privileged social position has allowed me to delay this process longer than most.

I’m aware that this delusion runs the risk of slipping into unhealthy mental states, including egomania, narcissism, god complex, martyr complex, and emotional dissociation. I will be vigilant for signs of these conditions, and others, and I have friends and companions who will help watch over me.

Thank you so very much for everything you have done, and are doing, to help myself and our friends. Do take good care of yourself.

Affectionately yours,

Lillian